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(no subject)

Jul. 1st, 2012 | 03:47 am

dear diary,

I really hate being here. I hate all the hurt that people from Singapore have done to me. I can't seem to get rid of the scars. Somehow I have this gut feeling that I will never be as happy here as I am away from here. I love it when I'm away from this place, especially when I get to spend weeks on end alone in a land so vast you can leave your hurt in one corner and take a domestic flight west and because it's big enough, you don't even have to leave the country to start afresh. I just feel incredibly suffocated here. I hate the insecurity that so many relationships have caused me. I don't know why I find it so hard to forget the bad things that have been said to me, whether sincere or out of pique. I find it so insanely hard. Literally. I don't know why. Can someone help me? I'm desperate. I want to forget so many things but it's not happening. I crave rebirth more than I crave death. I don't want to deal with issues or problems or conflicts. All the hurt that I suppressed myself through is crashing back into my face. It's made me an escapist of the greatest kind. My dad lies in bed sick for days and I don't want to acknowledge it. I fear spiritual pain so much, more than I fear getting raped or dismembered.

God, where are you??? I need you to speedily heal me and give me a new heart. One that's scar-free and memory-lapsed. Or will it be quicker if I hit my useless head against the concrete bedside wall about 10 times every night before I sleep? Will it kill my brains and emotions more effectively??? I'm on the brink of depression and I don't know why. I don't want emotions. God, please take them away from me. I feel and remember too much for my own good. Please take them away from me.


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(no subject)

May. 11th, 2012 | 01:40 am

It seems like after a certain hour of the day, people who are by default supposed to 'stick around' for you just...disappear.

I hide a lot of my problems, I really do. I don't believe in sharing much because 1) it seldom helps and 2) it's not nice to throw baggage onto other people - most of the time, nobody is interested or willing to care.

But when I do say that I need some comfort, I sincerely do. When I indicate that 'something terrible' just happened, I do accurately mean that it's not a typical household kind of incident that just arose.

However, I get a partner who says he's too tired to try. My next best option, a cousin and best friend, has work the next day at 8 in the morning. My sibling and I aren't on fantastic terms and more often than not, on different frequencies. Half the extended family has abandoned us and the other half are too tired looking after their babies. My other best friends: one is in NZ and it's 6:30 a.m there, the other already didn't get to sleep last night due to an unreasonable client from work. Most semi-close friends who might be awake will judge. Those who will not...already have enough issues at hand.

(Oh, did I miss the 'parents' option?)

I know I have God but during such desperate times, I prefer listening to Him through an audible voice. Through a trusted source...

But instead, I sit here triple-tasking: typing to a non-responsive machine, cleaning horrid burn-wounds that might possibly scar my chest for life... And......weeping.


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Emotional inspiration 1

Nov. 29th, 2010 | 02:23 am

You can talk to me anytime
I'd actually like to hear
But thing is you're still too shy
And ever as weak as a deer 

I know the plastic sheets that stop you
"So near yet so far"
When did this nightmare ever come true?
Now our lives are empty jars

Morning light no longer turns our darkness fair
And hurt runs everywhere with dirt
They can see through us: hollow and bare
As breakable as the feathers off a bird

It wasn't life as we knew it
What happened to all that zest?
So we ask ourselves, was it really worth the ditch?
I had no choice, I guess.

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